Something New

Be Still and Know... Things Will Get Better.

After scrolling social media this morning, I decided to step away from the fear, anger & confusion to find some clarity. I started to meditate, but my mind was so clouded with the events going on in this world at this time. So, I reached for The Good Book—my trusty Bible, just in case you didn’t know. It’s where I go when life feels out of control. It brings me a sense of peace and restores my soul because no matter what’s going on, I can always find answers. Every time I look into The Word, I find something new. The words contained within speak to my perspective, my perception, my reality at the time. They meet me where I am at and they speak to my heart, however, today, as I was reaching for my Bible, something else caught my eye.

Several months ago, I saw a little pink daily devotional sitting on a rack. It was all alone, but as I walked by, it caught my eye. I felt the need to take it home, so I purchased it and put in its new home. I placed it on my book shelf by my bed with all my other books—most of them waiting to be read. Besides being picked up to be dusted off, that is where it has stayed until today.

Today, as I was reaching for The Good Book, it caught my eye once again, so I picked it up. On the cover were the words “Be Still and Know...”. I felt like today, this message was for me. The first page it opened to was March 8th. It talked about lighthouses and how we need to let our lights shine, so they we can be a beacon for others in dark times. Then I looked at today’s date March 18th. It was about conscious choice.

“Today I have given you the choice between life and death, between blessings and curses. Now I call on heaven and earth to witness the choice you make. Oh, that you would choose life, so that you and your descendants might live!

(Deuteronomy 30:19)

I thought to myself “Yep, sounds pretty reasonable and definitely speaks to the situation at hand. F-You Coronavirus!!! I choose to live!” (Yes, I love God, but I cuss a little.) Then, I went on to look at some other dates just because I was curious to see what they had to say. All, of course, had some good advice. Finally, with much hesitation and yet simple curiosity, I decided to see what the message was for the worst day of my life, May 31st. 8 years ago on that day I lost my son and my world shattered. The words on this page, for this day couldn’t have been more perfect.

There was so much pain. SO MUCH PAIN!!! There are no words to describe what I felt. Pain doesn’t even come close, but it was all I had. The days and months and years following his death are mostly a blur. I was on auto-pilot for a really long time. People would comment about how strong I was, but no one could see my shattered shell. No one could see the pain behind my smile and how I was only keeping it together so everything else didn’t fall apart.

I kept my pain hidden because I couldn’t break now. If I broke, who would take care of everything? I had a husband to take care of. I had a new son and a daughter to take care of. I had a home to take care of. I had bills to pay and things to do. If I didn’t take care of them, who would?

I still remember the night I was completely shit-faced sitting on my bed crying uncontrollably while everyone else slept. I cried out to God. I asked him “Why?! Why did you have to take my son?! Why did you have to take my children’s brother?! Why did you have to take him from this world?! From us?!” And, I told God “I don’t want to be here anymore! I need you to give his death meaning in my life, so that I can live.” And from that moment on, that is what God did.

It was one thing after another. I learned how to heal. I learned alternatives from what I had been taught and was shown another world within this world that I didn’t know existed, but it felt like home. (That may not make sense to everyone, but I know it will make sense to some. To them, I say "Namaste". ) It hasn’t always been pretty. Everything isn’t always rainbows and sunshine, but Bryer’s death has meaning in my life! There is still pain, but it is less now.

It was a few years later when my father was in ICU that the shattered shell of my world fell into a million pieces, but that’s another story for another day. By the grace of God, my Dad walked out of the ICU and is still here with us today. Since the day that I fell into a million pieces, I have been using what I learned to put myself back together. I am using the Kintsugi method . Kintsugi is the Japanese art of putting broken pottery pieces back together with gold — built on the idea that in embracing flaws and imperfections, you can create an even stronger, more beautiful piece of art.

Things are becoming clearer and the fog of Bryer’s death is lifting. I am learning to love myself. I am learning to take care of myself because you cannot fill others from an empty cup. I have been sharing my knowledge with others who take the time to listen. My life has meaning. I have learned so much on my journey of healing, and I know I will learn so much more. Every day, I learn something new—something new about this life, about this world, about me.

Anyway, I say all this to remind you that things will get better. Be Still and Know… THINGS WILL GET BETTER. There is a higher plan in place for all of us. It can be hard to remember that in the midst of all this chaos, confusion, instability and fear. All trials and tribulations are meant to make you stronger. If you choose to pick up the pieces, it is up to you to decided how you want to put them back together.

And, as always, if you need any assistance with relieving pain, stress and/or anxiety during these troubled times, you can always contact me to schedule your appointment to relax your total body, mind & spirit.

Fear Cannot Stand in the Presence of Love. -Kristy Denton